Beatrice's soliloquy 


 Beatrice's soliloquy

Is time like water that keeps flowing?
Or is it something like a collection of particles?
For example, if experience and memory are contained in one particle, will collecting those particles become a record of life?

If there is something I can bring to another world when I die, it may be the many "particles of various experiences that shine like jewels".
We sometimes watch movies and enjoy simulated experiences.
If there are higher dimensional beings, can they see the particles of our memory and enjoy them like a movie?


Door of another world

Year 2000.
When my marriage life was starting awkward.
Many mysterious things began to happen, such as having a mysterious dream and seeing white things moving quickly.
But I could'nt afford to worry about that in the midst of a divorce crisis.
It's been a few weeks now since my husband run away from home.
Even today, I talk to myself "Let's sleep." and be in bed in a quiet house.
When I close my eyes, gloomy and moody feelings I quarreled with my husband revive.
I'm mentally tired now and thinking of recovering even a little by sleeping, but I can't sleep tonight.
Is it because my head is full and I am nervous?
Or has the bed not warmed up yet?
No, something is different from usual.
I feel like something is staring me in the dark.
"I wonder if I can sleep if I keep my eyes closed."
But even if I close my eyes, I'm nervous and can't sleep, and my consciousness is clear.
Rather than being clear, I feel like a middle ground  between waking up and sleeping and feel like my body is sleeping but the head is awake.
I was so creepy that I pulled a quilt over my head.
A few minutes later, when I realized that I was awake in between sleeping and waking, I was sleeping in the bedroom, but for some reason I was getting on a boat.
The reason why I thought it was a boat was because I heard the sound of water hitting the bottom of the boat.
And I heard the creaky sound of someone rowing the boat or the boat itself being squeaky.
Where am I ?
If I don't pretend to be asleep, I might see something scary?
When I thought so, my heart struck quickly, my body temperature rose, and my body became hot.
The place was different from the usual room, and the air was dense and it was hot and humid.
I trembled and wished, "I want to somehow return to the original world while pretending to be asleep."
Suddenly the sign of water disappeared.
And the sound of rowing the boat disappeared.
Apparently it looks like my body is lying inside the building this time.
It's hot, but I sweat with fear.
I'm scared and can't open my eyes.
But I saw a beautiful woman standing beside me and looking at me, even though I should have closed my eyes and couldn't see anything around me.
I had my eyes closed, but I could see the image of thd woman clearly in my head.
There was nothing in her background.
In the dim background, only her figure is projected dignifiedly.
Her appearance is wearing loose heavenly garment like Kannon and Benzaiten.
She was a beautiful woman with cool and beautiful eyes like white lily flower.
She slowly approached me and stared around my stomach.
Until then she had cool and beautiful eyes, but suddenly half of her eyes pop out and she is staring around my stomach.
And she is moving her eyes to the right and left as if she were reading something.

I couldn't move because of my sleep paralysis.

 She smiled with a beautiful face and left saying," I like you." 

After a while she left me.

The moment she left, the hem of her garment touch on my face.
Something like a breeze containing icy cold air passed my face.
She disappeared like a mist and I was relieved.
I wondered "Is this the end?", but the sleep paralysis is still going on and the air is thick and hot.
I imagined myself lying down alone in a mysterious darkness.
In less than few minutes, I felt "Something is approaching" in my head.
This time I can't see the image in my head.
It walks around the bed.
Then it slowly left the room without doing anything.
While I was wondering what it was, another thing came in and walked around.
This time, is it a four-legged footsteps?
Something is making a noise and walking.
Then next I hear something like rubbing the floor.
When it walked around the room and left,I heard it hissed.
It sounds like a snake raising its head and threatening.
I saw a image of what was coming next in my head. 
He is a mouse!!
He seems to be high status and wears the clothes worn by nobles of the old days.
The mouse man asked "Have you ever bullied a mouse?" with a resonant and low voice.
I rememberd seeing a small mouse in the storeroom when I was in elementary school.
When I replied to the mouse man "I have never bullied the mouse.", he left without saying anything.
Something was walking around my bed even after the mouse left.
What kind of ritual is this?
I was at the limit of my patience.
I wanted to open my eyes and make a loud voice.
But I was stifling and my body was cold sweaty wholly and was sleep paralysis, so it was impossible to move it.
I was thinking of calmly accepting the situation while fighting panic in a state of immobility.
How many more will coming?.
I didn't really understand it myself.
But the next moment, the sleep paralysis was released and the air in the room like something suddenly changed.
The room calmed down as if nothing had happened.
The room temperature and odor have returned to normal.
I was also able to move my body.
I was finally able to open my eyes with peace of mind.
"I was scared!  I wonder what it was. I'm sure it was not  a dream."
But when I think about it carefully, there were snakes, mice, four-legged creatures, and others.
It's like Chinese zodiac.
Is there really such a world?
Who is that beautiful woman?
She sent me a message.
Did she saw a glimpse of the record of my life?
In other words, does it mean that the past situation is recorded in my body?
The world we take for granted may be just one part of a larger world.
And they may have the key of the door that goes in and out of our world.
Perhaps it is possible to enter another world when they open the door or when we accidentally get lost.
I went beyond the door of another world tonight.
And I didn't know to go to other worlds at this time.